Without You
by ko-chan-the-blueberry-donut
Summary: Hotaru's thoughts as she is banished away from Mikan. Hotaru/Mikan with mentions of Natsume/Mikan SPOILERS for end of Manga and epilogue!


Karin: Here's a Hotaru/Mikan oneshot based on the epilogue of Gakuen Alice so spoilers abound! Also angst abound!

Disclaimer: I don't own Gakuen Alice

* * *

" _I'm hooked on you, I need a fix, I can't take it_

 _Just one more hit, I promise I can deal with it_

 _I'll handle it, quit it, just one more time, then that's it_

 _Just a little bit more to get me through this."_

—Kelly Clarkson, "Addicted"

* * *

When Hotaru first arrived in the Sengoku period, all she felt was numbness. It didn't register in her mind that she was truly separated from her life, her friends— _Mikan._

Subaru was there to hold her the moment the realization hit that she lost everything. She remembered sobs wracked her body like violent convulsions. She remembered how she felt like her entire body, her soul, was ripping at the seams. Her heart in shattered pieces at never seeing her best friend, her love, ever again.

She knew Mikan would never be hers. She had accepted that a long time ago when she saw Mikan's first blush being caused by Natsume. She knew she had to let go of the possibility of a relationship—had resigned herself to the position of Mikan's best friend—and told herself as long as Mikan was happy, that she could be by Mikan's side, it was enough for her.

And for a while it was. She was able to relish Mikan's smiles. She was able to feel elation at still being Mikan's number one. Mikan's friendship was Hotaru's greatest treasure. Something so priceless, even the gods themselves would envy it. It was so precious, that no amount of money could compare to the purity of Mikan and hers bond.

But then the elementary school principal was wreaking havoc. Then Yuka came and Mikan had to watch her mother die in front of her, right after getting her back. Hotaru remembered how she had kissed Mikan, expressing her feelings, the urgency of her being honest against the possibility of never seeing her again. The one time she was selfish before she let go of Mikan forever. Hotaru had told herself she would take that one moment and pretend Mikan was hers, and then she wouldn't covet her anymore. Mikan's safety overran Hotaru's selfishness.

And after the elementary school principal hid Mikan away, though the ghost of Mikan never left Hotaru's soul. The feel of her, the taste of her, her smell—it was imprinted in her mind like a birthmark. Nothing she could do to wash it away, but she still carried on, the memories of Mikan and the hope of being reunited with her keeping her going. For Hotaru knew she was important to Mikan. She knew their separation would change. Soon they would beat the ESP and she would be by Hotaru's side once more.

But then Natsume died.

Natsume had died, protecting Mikan. He had died in order to give Mikan the life she deserved to live. Hotaru had told herself she could pick Mikan up from the tragedy. She could fill the hole Natsume would leave behind in Mikan's heart.

And then she knew they were all lies. Mikan's expression of utter despair of losing the love of her life had broken her.

It was then Hotaru knew that she would never be able to replace Natsume.

So she fixed it. With Subaru's help, she saved Natsume. Noda-sensei had warned her of the consequences, but all Hotaru could think about was Mikan's desolate form as she saw Natsume's dead body before her, and she knew it was her duty, as Mikan's best friend, to save her happiness.

Even at the cost of her own.

But then time itself had punished her. Its cruelty was poetic—force her to live a life where she would never see Mikan again. Her sacrifice had been for Mikan's happiness. It was fitting that time would snatch Hotaru's right from under her.

At first, Hotaru thought she could live through her punishment. She knew Mikan was happy now, and that was all that mattered to her. It didn't matter if Hotaru wasn't there by her side.

But it _did_. And it always _will._

Mikan's presence was like a drug Hotaru couldn't get enough of. Her smiles were like ecstasy rushing through Hotaru's veins. Her touches were like oxytocin flooding her senses, soothing her into sleep.

Now it was all gone. There was nothing left of Mikan but Hotaru's memories of her. She was like an addict going through withdrawal, and there was no cure. Time had sought to destroy her, and through taking her away from Mikan, it had succeeded.

And then she was suddenly _there._ Mikan was standing before her, rushing to her with tears running down her face. Hotaru had remembered how she had touched Mikan's face, not quite believing what she was seeing—convinced her withdrawal had driven her to delirium. But then Mikan embraced her, and Hotaru knew she wasn't dreaming.

Her friends had found her. They told her they searched throughout time to find where her and Subaru had ended up. All of them were so relieved to see her. They told her they would hurry to bring her back. Mikan told her she would stop at nothing to bring her home.

But Hotaru knew it wasn't possible. Time would punish them as well for saving her, the damned. She had taken Mikan's hands, and quietly told her the truth why she couldn't leave. Time would undo what she had changed if she left. Natsume would die if Mikan took her home.

The two of them stood in Hotaru's private gardens, the others giving them privacy. Mikan held her tightly as both of them cried at the realization they would never be permanently reunited. They would always be chasing ghosts—and no matter how close they were to catching the other, it would disappear into wisps like their hopes.

It was there that Hotaru gave Mikan her final request.

"Marry me…" she whispered as she held her dearest friend. "I… know Natsume has your heart. I've accepted that, but for just one night…"

"Yes." Mikan said without hesitation. They had retrieved one servant of Hotaru's staff in secret. Under the Sakura tree, Mikan gave Hotaru what she always wanted, even if it was just one night—her love.

They said their vows, Hotaru and Mikan both looking at each other in adoration, and when they kissed, the servant snapped a photo per Hotaru's request. The photo would never be seen by anyone else but them. It was their secret. Their treasure.

Sakura petals fell upon them as Hotaru memorized Mikan from head to toe. When she was younger she had always dreamed of this happening. Had always pictured they would be dressed in the finest gowns Hotaru could afford them. They would be happy. Hotaru would tell her praise after praise when they made love on their wedding night.

But seeing Mikan there now, holding her hands, smiling her beautiful smile, her amber eyes shining as Sakura petals fell around them, Hotaru knew the image was better than anything Hotaru had imagined.

When Mikan and her friends departed the next day, Hotaru closed herself in her quarters and cried. Subaru left her be, knowing she needed to be alone. She gazed down at her and Mikan's photo, their first and last wedding photo, and knew she did the right thing in letting Mikan go.

It didn't make it hurt any less.

* * *

Karin: Yeah so I know Mikan and Natsume are married in canon but we don't know much about them finding Hotaru so I took some liberties with it. Plus, by the time Mikan returned to her own time, Hotaru would technically be dead, so she would be free to marry Natsume—doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though. I decided to add the marriage part in cause apparently the author really likes Ruka and Hotaru with Mikan moreso than Natsume, but I am unsure if that is true or not.

Anyways, hope you liked it and please let me know what you think.


End file.
